21 going on 19.


I recently, last week, turned 21. It was really nice, we had a house party, I had a lot to drink it was all very swell, I don't remember much, other than that I think it was fab! But turning 21 made me think, like it was a "big" birthday so I probably should have asked for something big and treasurable, but instead I asked for money which I'm putting towards a holiday which I'll probably drink myself to oblivion in and won't even remember. But the truth is, all I want this year, turning 21 is to be 19 years old again. I feel over the past few months I have become a complete mess. Basically, the last few weeks I've been feeling like a former shadow of myself. I feel less happy, less fun and frankly I am not ok with this. So I've been thinking, when was I at my happiest? Then I decided it was probably when I was 19, I did call the year I turned 19 "the best year of my life".

There are many reasons why it was the best year of my life (so far). I grew some major balls when I was 19, most of my teenage hood had been dominated by a group of friends I was in from when I was around 14/15, basically telling me what I could/couldn't do, arranging meals and meet ups under their rules and if you were busy that day you were prepared to have "jokey" abuse sent at you and you'd sit at home knowing you were being slagged off. To be honest, I started to take more of a stand against these people when I was around 18, I started going out with other friends and then I was being bitched and indirected about because I'd chosen to go to someone's birthday than a night out in town. Like it got to the point where I was told I couldn't be friends with anyone in my class at college when I went. It was all becoming a bit of a joke. I felt like I was missing out on so much because all they really wanted to do was stay in the same place, drinking in the same pubs, having the same weekend every weekend, where as I wanted to branch out. The final straw was when I wanted to go on holiday and we kept having these meetings about it and then over a massive facebook argument I told them and I quote "Nah we won't go then, fuck you all" and we never really met up after that. Honestly it was the best thing I'd ever done, I still went on and had an amazing holiday and then three of the other girls in the group just kinda came together and we're still really close now we still meet up and just sit and laugh about how out youth was wasted on these bunch of people. I feel like 19 was the best year of my life because I was shown some affection, for probably, the first time ever. I feel like I need to have this again because anyone who knows me knows that I am a very hard, bitter and sarcastic character who needs to be shown some love. There is a fine line between wanting attention and affection, don't get me wrong a bit of attention is nice - I'm a drama student, c'mon - but there is nothing lovelier than being shown affection, it made me a softer person, and generally happier, I was so much more confident and open to things. I don't really have much confidence when it comes to myself, though it may seem, I'm a very confident person about everything else, but when it comes to me oh lordy lord I have nothing to work with. I guess it's nicer to be complimented and to have someone to laugh and joke around with so when I wasn't getting this at twenty years old I became pretty cold and bitter and shut everything out, I had no confidence and I hated it. I feel because I was more open and happier at 19 people actually had time for me and if someone was to approach me I'd probably spark up a conversation rather than look them up and down and tell them where to take their rear end to.
I was happier at nineteen because I genuinely felt like the world was my oyster and I could do whatever I wanted with it. I went on holiday, my first festival, I even found the guts to apply and get into university, I don't know where I hit the brick wall and decided I didn't want to be that person anymore, I never used to cry, ever, but as soon as I hit twenty the I felt like I'd caught up on so many wasted crying opportunities, I let my health slide, I put on weight, I was generally unhappier and it took me a whole year to realise that the person I once was had long gone and wasn't coming back. Until now.

I am going to work for all I can to make this year the year I become "Nineteen year old Beth" again, I'm going to put myself out there, I'm going to be nicer to everyone, I'm not gonna say no to anything, I'm gonna try so hard in uni, I'm gonna start dancing and exercising again, I'm going to become the person who made me so happy.

That is my only wish for my 21st Birthday.

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