I'm baaaaaaack! Sorry everyone! Been away for a bit, went back to university and got a bit caught up in having a social life (I know, right!). So yeah, whilst I was busy socialising and drinking, and attending all my lectures and drinking and going out.. and drinking my blog was shoved to the bottom of the pile of endless things I had to do.. and for that I apologise.

So anyway, I said I would never ever ever watch The X Factor ever again, after Cheryl left (big fan, big fan). I was dead against the whole show, I think, as an aspiring singer, it's the wrong way to be getting into the industry, the shelf life of the "singers" is absolutely ridiculous. I hate Simon Cowell with a passion, he is the Judas that is ruining the music industry. I just find it's more about the "judges" getting one over on each other than the "talent" that is on the stage. But 'eck, that's just me... So why, in 2014 am I sacrificing my evenings to spend two and a half hours of my time watching it? Many many reasons.. One being all my housemates watch it, and I'm not gonna be the one who deprives them of that. Two, Cheryl freakin' Fernandez-Versini is the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth and I've loved her for many, many years. And three, mainly to slag it off to everyone, putting my inappropriate comments in when and when they're not needed... So, here I am, many hours later, writing an X Factor, blog?!

So, this weeks theme was Number Ones, a selection of some truly awful songs. The show kicked off with Dermot doing his legendary "Welcome to the weekend" spin, obviously. And then the judges came on, obviously at this point no-one really cares about what Simon & Louis at this point because HELLO IT'S THE FASHION OFF BETWEEN CHERYL AND MEL B OMFG. Basically this is the only part that keeps the magazines in business! So Cheryl came out looking like a goddess angel who had fallen from the heavens. Yes, she looked absolutely stunning, as always, and Mel B, well Mel B came out looking like a butch lesbian. And Simon who was acting like he was suspiciously boozy... one too many Si? Has this show taken it's toll on you like it has the rest of the world? That aside, it was "Time to face the music" (Sorry, couldn't help myself, so creepy, so gay, I'm sorry)

Paul Akister kicked off the show with his rendition of Ghost by Ella Henderson (obviously they had to put a former X Factor contestant into the mix to show that some contestants actually do record music after X Factor). I thought this was a really weird choice of song, he did it well in all fairness, flat in a few places, but I guess we have to hand that down to "nerves" seeing as it's the first show and everything. Apparently this fella was in last year, but Louis kicked him off for being too fat, which is fair enough, unless your Adele then no-one is going to buy a fat persons album. Harsh, but true. He's got an alright voice, I doubt he'll make it far in the show though, given all the tacky boy bands and young girls voting. We were then treated to a song from Lola Saunders who was the 'wildcard' wearing a lovely pair of curtains as a skirt. Personally, I thought this was a terrible decision made by whoever, but there was young lass who was a way better singer and didn't sound like a cat screeching in my ear. To put it blunty, she sung Stay With Me by Sam Smith, obvious choice considering it's everywhere at the moment, being shoved down our throats, left, right and center. Basically the song was too big for the girl, the performance was easily forgotten about, she is simply not good enough to be in the competition.We were then treated to adverts after every two acts, which was fucking splendid. It's not like you couldn't squeeze them into an hour show without them, great one ITV.

The next contestants were an absolute joke. This Overload Generation another of them wildcards, WHO DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT TO JUDGES HOUSES. WHAT?! I'M SORRY. THE OTHER BOYBAND WAS WAY BETTER AND HAVE A BIGGER ONLINE FOLLOWING AND HAVE DONE FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS. JUST SAYING! If you cannot tell, I am not a fan! I didn't like them ever since that cocky little blonde shit was like "We're not leaving, we're going to fight" No, get off, your time ended a very long time ago. Anyway, we all sat and compared them to One Direction, as the similarities were ridiculous even the 'Zayn' of the groups voice cracking at the beginning, murdering Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl. An awful act who will be kept in due to the stupidity of little girls having access to a mobile phone.Jay James was next up covering Changing by Sigma & Paloma Faith. Clearly this was done to try and avoid the fact he is in the overs category and try and keep him current and young. Predictable X Factor. The song was alright, I wouldn't say it was awful and I wouldn't say it was amazing. But it was ok. Probably going to be in the competition a long time due to the fact he keeps bringing up that was in the military, you fight for them votes Jay! Fight for them! OH LOOK AT THAT. MORE ADVERTS. BRILLIANT.

Next on the bill was Stephanie Nala, no, not Nala from The Lion King, calm yourselves, the Disney posts were way back in August! So she was in a group who got to the finals of Britain's Got Talent, obviously she was going to make it to the live shows *cough* FIX *cough*. Does she deserve her place? No. She sounds like a freakin' chipmunk, on helium. Awful, bloody awful. Murdering the old Bread song Everything I Own This weeks most 'shazamed' song, says Cheryl, well, it probably is because it's in an advert. I can tell you this because I watch so much telly. She's probably an act who'll be easily forgotten about, doubt she'll get far.Sigh. Jack Walton. What the hell am I supposed to say? Obviously he was chosen because he was the "best" of a bad bunch. He's cute, he'll get votes. THAT IS WHY HE WAS CHOSEN FOR THE WILDCARD. Anyway, he sang Only Girl In The World by Rihanna. Which I was pleasantly surprised to see a guitar, a frickin' guitar on X Factor, bloody hell, a real life instrument! That impressed me, which was good because his vocals did not. Very average, probably won't get far unless he can really pull something out the bag. *PLEASE INSERT ADVERT HERE*

After ANOTHER ad break we were treated to Chloe Jasmine who put her spin on Britney's Toxic, when I say spin, I mean Jazz spin because there is no other genre she can sing, which is fabulous, just not on this show. She was shown talking about the bad press she's been getting, and made everyone feel extremely sorry for her (GET THEM VOTES IN GIRL!). But I do like this lass, I think she's adorable, she's different and I like that. I reckon she'll do alright. After that, of course we had another boyband (X Factor is just one massive cock fest this year). This was that 8 piece that were put together, and they have a name now "Stereo Kicks" or as I'd rather call them "Stereo Shits". Who were praised for their cover of Katy Perry's Roar, obviously Simon was going to praise them, he put them together, yawn. Anyway, we already have enough boybands in this country at the moment. Enough is enough. They all sound the same. But again, the little lasses will be rackin' up their phone bills. *ADVERTS ADVERTS! - Annoying, right?*

After ANOTHER break was Lauren Platt. Alright, nothing bad to say here, she's amazing. She's so good! I am so sick of Happy by Pharrell, but man, this girl aced it. She seems like a decent person too, FINALS PLEASE. My happiness (see what I did there) was then crushed when Jedward came on. Oh wait, this wasn't Jedward? What? Basically Blonde Electra are a female version and they must be sent far, far away. ANOTHER AD BREAK. ANOTHER ONE. We were treated, and I'm not even joking when I say treated to the lovely, lovely, lovely looking Ben Haenow *resists singing Lizzie McGuire* with the voice - and face of an angel, he holds a very special place in my heart, he was wrongly criticised by Mel B who is clearly deaf aswell as blind - did you see her outfit? - as he was really good, definitely a decent contender. After that beauty came Jake Quickenden who was clearly put in there due to his good looks and not his extremely weak voice, murdering Robbie's She's The One. I personally was offended by this performance, hopefully he won't last too long, though this is doubtful due to the fact some might say he is good looking, I am not one of those people.

ADVERRRRRRRRRRRRT.

This next performance baffled me, this Fleur East, the contestant with a six pack, singing All About That Bass, a song about being a larger lady. I was left feeling confused with this as it's a terrible song choice. I MEAN THE WOMAN HAS A SIX PACK. Yeah she can sing, but surely it's about what they're singing as much as how they're singing, no? I'm so confused. Someone explain this? Anyway with that aside, she was alright, but she's an over 25, so she basically stands no chance in this competition (UNLESS YOUR BEN HAENOW WHO DOES). Then came on Only The Young who charmed us with a glorious mix up of Jailhouse Rock/Twist and Shout. I know I've slagged off most of these contestants, but I genuinely like these kids, they're just cool aren't they? And they picked their own songs, and they sounded decent, so they clearly know what they're doing. I reckon they could go far, I really like them. THEN AFTER ANOTHER AD BREAKS. (REALLY TOOK THE PISS) WE WERE BOUGHT THE JESUS OF X FACTOR. Yes ladies & gents, I dropped the J bomb, and we're only in week 1. Andrea Faustini was the last to perform and blew them all out of the water. ALL OF THEM. Like, you might aswell crown him now, he has this in the bag. The geezer has a proper powerful voice, he is absolutely brilliant, why drag this out for 10 weeks? Mate, give him the dolla now. He's incredible. *Mel B also commented on this saying he was gonna win, pieing off her other contestants completely* Anywho. This concludes me blog for the week, I really hope the cocky blonde kid's boyband go and hopefully Jake this week. AS THEY WERE THE WEAKEST.

(I'VE JUST REALISED I'VE MISSED STEVI WHO IS CLEARLY IN IT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND IS VERY SHIT. I HOPE HE GETS KICKED OFF ASAP.)