"Am I the only one, wishing life away? Never caught up in the moment, busy begging the past to stay"

The other night I was recommended a video on YouTube, and I can't get over it.

It was a song by Dodie Clark, 'When', and it is incredible. Over the years I've had a bit of a reputation for being a little bit heartless, but never in my life have I sat for an hour bawling my eyes out over a song. Real life tears. So much so that I sent it to my friend so that I had someone to share it with - and his thoughts were the same - we then had a mini quarter life crisis. 

I've never related more to anything. I am definitely someone who is always looking back, I never realised it until I'd heard this song. I've got the attitude of "Yeah, life's ok, I can't wait for it to go back to how it was/for it to get better" but it never will go back to how it was and there is just something about that that I just can't seem to get my head around, we'll also never know what's going to happen in the future and the uncertainty kind of freaks me out.

We are always either worrying about something that has happened in our past and we're always worrying about what is going to happen. We literally stress ourselves out. It's silly, why are we worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet? Something that might never happen.

We never live in the moment and it's sad. We're surrounded by events that have happened and are waiting for events to happen. We never love the way we're supposed to because we're dwelling on what has been, living in comparison to what we've had and what we want instead of just going with it.

 We spend half our life looking back on what we've had and when it's gone or it's too late we don't appreciate it.

Life. Life. Now. 

"Nobody likes you when you're 23..." Well, we shall see about that one.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me I suppose, for last week. 

Getting on a bit now, should probably start sorting my life out.

22 was a good year. It's been a massive whirlwind of emotions, but it's been good. I remember waking up the day after my 22nd Birthday and just thinking "Wow, last night was so good." It was at that moment I decided I was going to care less, so that's what I did. 

I remember crying so much at 20 and 21 over the most stupid things and people. 

I feel that 22 was probably a really good start in being more selfish - in the way of looking out for number one.

I really think this last year has given me the opportunity to focus on myself. When I was unemployed after university I spent a lot of time alone, taking myself on walks. It's a bit cheesy to say I was finding myself, but I had a lot of time to reflect.  

I found that moving back home from uni a very hard process - but whats a year if there's no downs? I was miserable, I've never felt so out of place and lonely in my own village. Ever felt that everyone has moved on and you've been let behind? It's horrible and it took me a long time to come round, but we got there. 

When I was 21 I was so focused on becoming 19 again. I go back and read my blog post from my 21st birthday  and it makes me sad for that girl. It's not until I look back - at the place I am in now - I realise how lost I was. And I didn't realise how long it took me to get it back.

I can confirm that when I was 22 I got my mojo back. I can honestly say I got my confidence back and I just genuinely enjoyed life. I feel myself for the first time in a long time. 

If anything being 22 has taught me that you're allowed to be at the bottom of the hill, but imagine the view from the top. 

I probably should have made this post before the year was out, but hey ho, that's life.

Last year I made a little list of New Years Resolutions and I decided it may be fun to go back and see if I met them....

Losing Weight: Yes. I actually kept to this! I know, it never happens does it? But I did, to be fair it took me a while to get back on track, but I've lost just over a stone and I'm not stopping there, oh no. I'm gonna keep going until I meet my target! - Very happy with this!

Drink More Water: I was very good at this, for a while... mainly at the beginning of the year, then again in the summer... but when autumn started rolling around I kind of gave up... maybe we'll retry that one this year.

Blogging More: 31 more blog posts than last year. I'll take that. I'm aiming to reach at least 90 posts this year, if not more.

Become More Organised: I bought an organiser, a planner, a folder you name it.. and did I become more organised? No way. I don't think there is any saving me, to be honest. WHY WAS I BORN SO MESSY?!

Saying Yes More: If anything I said yes too much. I probably should have thought this one through. It went completely the opposite way.. I think I should start saying no more, to be honest... But I had fun in all the things I was saying yes too, so I suppose that that is a bonus.

Did you keep to or lose your resolutions?

I've written about my New Years Resolutions, and I am always the first to laugh at the 'hashtag new year new me'. However, I'd like to revamp myself this year. Las year saw a lot of closure for me, no more education, finishing university... The next step would really be to, not change, but enhance myself. It's fair today I had a bit of a rough time last year and I don't ever want to be in that frame of mind again. I've always wanted to be a more tidier, healthier, classier person and even though I will always be the (occasional) drunken mess, I would also like to be more and do more of the below:

• See more of the world
• Go to a festival
• Take more photos
• Drink more water
• Drink less alcohol
• Go on more walks
• Blog more regularly
• Become tidier
• Be more appreciative
• Grow a friggin' backbone
• Make the most of free days
• Spend less time on social media
• Spend less in general
• Read more books
• Put myself out there a bit more
• Cook more fancy food
• Become a candle person
• Take more 'Me Days'
• Sing more
• Do things that make me uncomfortable
• Start saying NO more
• Up my Instagram game
• Visit a lake
• Do more touristy things
• Find out what I really want from life